Kuliling

...a draft of a supposed blog from last spring... I had to post since I thought I could just feel my emotions from these sentences.
 

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I haven't blogged consistently for a while and have seem to lost all my readers out there in the blogosphere.  So when some real people, real friends who know me have read my blog for the first time since I posted my link in multiply...I got various reactions.

Some could relate, some were a bit surprised about my honesty and how much of my soul I bare, some are a bit disappointed, some are shocked about the truth. 

I thought though that me and Conrad (yes friends...that's his name here in the US and in Singapore)  being the golden couple of all time has always been too good to be true.  We might have inspired a lot of people in the past since we are after all glaringly vocal about our mad love.  But all the blissfulness is a hype and we knew (well...at least I knew) it was bound to end sometime.  Even if it has, and there are times when I am tired and wanted to give up...I know that I won't because I know that giving up on what we have will make both of us even more miserable.  These are bursts of emotion that all of us feel as a result of frustration and disappointment...but that is never enough reason to give it up.  I realize too that most married couples experience this and I feel that this is normal.  I still think that I could never be better off with anybody else.  If I have to contemplate deeply, I will have to quote myself from a previous post I made last year...I probably love the guy more than I realize.  So there should be no cause for worry or surprise.  I don't think there is anything wrong with us...it's just reality of marriage and the fact that we all have our respective differences.

We had a bit of a struggle last winter, but believe it or not, after 9 years, we have since then worked out our differences and have (for the first time) finally compromised.  We all have to make our own individual sacrifices to keep the household atmosphere harmonious.  I guess it all starts there... and communication is also key.  I believe I tend to keep my frustrations to myself in the past because of fear of confrontation...which I was too tired to face.  Keeping it to myself will just keep things bottled up inside me and will definitely hurt my sanity.     

Lastly, we have to realize too that there is a God that brought us together and keeps us together.

 

*****

 

We are all guilty of narcissism. Even if I refuse to admit it, I should.  The fact that I don't admit would just make me an even bigger narcissist thinking that I'm all good and selfless.  It's funny how we all display our own quirks without realizing how self absorbed we are.  I didn't notice it myself until I saw my daughter and figured she got it all from me. hahaha

She likes hanging out in the bathroom because she wanted to see her reflection while she tries on her dress-up clothes and shoes.  One time I even caught her singing while standing in a stool in front of the full-length mirror.  When asked what she's doing, she'll say, "I'm having a concert, Nanay"

If you ask how my daughter turned out to be such, I could only blame myself.

Yes that's the narcissistic me...I just realized that today when I left a voicemail for somebody at work...and I had to review the message not for the message to be actually reviewed...but just to hear my own voice! hahaha  In fact, I am so self absorbed, I sometimes call my own extension number just to hear how I sound in the answering machine (even if I heard it hundreds of times before)!  How sick is that??
 

*****

Today it was 50F out and is a considered a nice day in usually chilly Vermont.  I was wearing my black shoe with white piping which have gathered several comments like "awww those shoes are cute!! where did you get them??".     When I tried it on for the first time in 4 months, they are kindda small and my foot hurts a bit.  Then i realized I bought them in a size 6.5, when I'm actually a 7 just because the store ran out of size 7's.  But since I wanted a cute shoe, I had to have them half a size smaller even if it hurts like hell. The mantra, "No Pain No Gain" could go a little overboard at times. 

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So yeah...I'm all about looking good image-wise, physical or not.  Getting a little over the top sometimes, but yes, I put a lot of effort into that and it makes me a little more content and happy.  Although selflessness is a virtue that is worth striving for, a little "love thyself" wouldn't hurt.  It is pride and self-respect that makes us the best people we could be to be able to be the best person to whom our children could look up to.  Instilling self-worth in a child is also good for them and is one of the most valuable life-virtues you could impart. 

*****

Did I just made a justification on why it's alright to be "all about myself"? hahahaha

Nowadays I feel the need to get my mind off some things.  The past few months I have been channeling my energies on things I shouldn't really focus on.  Useless things... worldly and just not right in so many levels...So therefore I realize I should focus on something that I love to do -- getting my ideas and thoughts out there for the world to know (not like I make an effort to make it known, but what the hey...).

Like a bicycle, or a car that hasn't started all throughout winter...I am a little rusty (probably not just a little...).  So I don't really know where and how to begin without baring my soul for public scrutiny and condemnation.

It's a good thing livejournal gives little tips on how to start again if we have a writer's block.  That way I don't have to think of something lame to write about my boring life.

So question for today was..."who or what do I consider as my first love".

Ok, so I retract about the lame comment.  Whatever answer I will give to this question will still be lame.  I am one of those people who married their first love.  Start and end of story in one sentence...wow, what a life!  It's true though...I never had to experience the pain of a breakup,  or I never had to refer to an another person as an "old flame" because I never had any other flames.  No colorful stories to tell here.

In high school, the first life lesson I have learned is that when it comes to relationships...never settle.  At 15yo I met Alain...everybody's crush because he was a little mestizo (mixed race) as such he's a bit "exotic".  He does have the face, but for some reason when he made it known to me that he liked me, it seems like a big fuzz to my friends...like the fact that he is handsome is enough reason for me to date him.  If you're 15yo, friends' acceptance means the world to you, so I did try to go out with him (in secret because I can't make it known to my parents).  Twas then I realized that I am not as shallow as I thought I was.  I knew in my heart what I wanted,  and I want depth and character.  So his' was the first heart I have ever broken.  After him, I've been ruthless.

I had an idea of a perfect relationship in my head -- roses/chocolates...remembering all occasions, putting me in a pedestal, will go through the hoops for me no matter how far or how long it takes, gives me all the time and attention...the works!  I could be a drama queen, I know...and when I was younger I believed deep in my heart that such a guy exists.  A guy who will treat you perfectly like a princess...the perfect gentleman...so I waited...and waited...and never ever settled with just anybody.  I met Mr. Shy Boy...Mr. Bad Boy...guys who didn't know who they're dealing with.... there were those who started out as friends and attempted to cross the line...   I even came accross someone very close to my criteria, yet if I search my heart...I'm just not feeling it.  Being surrounded by men in an engineering school, it is weird that it was seemingly finding a needle in a haystack.

But then all things are possible...and I finally found Conrad...boy-next-door, funny, smart, and met every single expectation I have and more.  He came at the most appropriate time too...when I thought I was in the lowest point of my life (Didn't realize I could go even lower!!!).  It was also the point when I was tired of the dating scene and threw my hands in the air saying, "whatever!".  I know it was the first time I really fell in love was because we were in cloud 9 and we were blissfully crazy mad about each other ...that is for around the first 10 years we were together (dating and married life combined). 

After that ladies and gentlemen...reality sinks in.  We became a true married couple with whinings and complaints and fighting over petty things....so much for going through the hoops.  I guess though that the bottomline is that it doesn't matter if you've only gotten to love just one person your whole life...or if you've fell flat on your face more than once.  The fact that you've experienced love and have given your all makes it an experience worth remembering. 

Oh...and another lesson...that no matter how blissfully in love you are right now...we will all come to a point where you can't stand your own partner...but you have to suck it up because that's how life is too! hahaha

Good Luck!

 

I have to admit that we never wanted to stay in Singapore for a long time.  It's a good place to be in for now...definitely more lucrative than back in Manila, but probably not my ideal place to stay for good.  Singapore has been good to us as far as our own respective careers are concerned.  However in the long run we find that raising the family is difficult because of the limited mobility (too expensive to own a car).  Education and health care is not exactly free...and, pardon me but I'm not so fond of the accent (I think this is my number one concern. hahaha).  It's not something we wanted my daughter to adopt even if she blends well (physically) with the locals. 

The goal was really to stay here for around 3-4 years, but eventually transfer to a more western culture --North America or Australia, just as we have originally planned.  Singapore, for us, was just a means to an end.  That is because nowadays for us to be able to come up with show money for immigration, we need to rob a bank or something.   We are ready for the difficulty of migration.  Start up is not a walk in the park.  I have heard first hand of stories where some of the highest of education sometimes settle for a menial job just to get by.  We were ready for it, but like anybody, we would like to avoid that as much as possible. 

Little did we know that our 4-yr plan would come our way earlier than what we expected.  For some reason, someone in our US counterpart team left, management thought I was the most reasonable replacement.  In other words, we're going on another transfer -- not on the next 4 years but next month!  

It is a blessing we always dreamed of, but we didn’t think we’ll have it this easy.  It was practically served to us on a silver platter with almost no effort at all (except of course by merely slaving my ass off my current job, something I have been used to doing ever since I could remember).  I believe that it’s not necessarily by chance that we are in this scenario.  God has placed in front of us opportunities that we either choose to take or not.  Right now, we’re seeing this opportunity as the best way to go to give a better future for our family. 

Likewise with all the blessings we have, we in return wanted to become a blessing to other people.  That is the only way we know how to give back to God all the Glory He has given.

Trust is such an overused word.

Its meaning is supposed to be intangible and unfathomable...one that requires a great deal of understanding...like love, it is a very loaded word. Something that is used with utmost respect and sincerity...almost never to be used unless completely meant. But people use it like it's for free and expect that you give them this without proving themselves worthy. Some even use it to manipulate their way into things. By gosh they even used it to name after a condom for reasons I can't understand. So what value is it of really nowadays?

I did trust in the past. They younger you are, the less you think about it. It seems the older you get, you get more jaded and become very wary of who to give your trust to. The reality sinks in that man by nature is selfish...that there's really nobody you can trust except yourself. It does hurt when you realize this, and it is then that we value trust.

The fact that man is an interdependent social animal makes it impossible to not trust. Ultimately we have to put our trust on somebody. However it takes a great deal of wisdom to judge who is to be trusted or not. Sometimes you put your guard way up high to protect yourself, hurting people that we do love. But there are also times when we make wrong judgements and put our trust on the wrong people. When this happens, you konk yourself in the head and tell yourself that you have never learned.

But even though trust is broken, when asked for it, one needs to forgive as well. Sometimes, even if it is not asked, forgiveness is key...not for the other guy but for your own sanity's sake...to avoid bitterness and hatred (and worse, revenge) that leads to worse things...to establish your own personal peace of mind...to let go of all the baggages in your heart and move on with your life on a happy note. But much more than all that was mentioned, forgiveness is key to realizing utmost trust...trust that God will take care of you and has better plans for you...and for whatever baggage there was, God will take care of it as well.

I do realize that...and for the one one whom I lost trust on...I do forgive. God is just in His own ways...and I know my justice will be with me soon.