Kuliling

...a draft of a supposed blog from last spring... I had to post since I thought I could just feel my emotions from these sentences.
 

*****

I haven't blogged consistently for a while and have seem to lost all my readers out there in the blogosphere.  So when some real people, real friends who know me have read my blog for the first time since I posted my link in multiply...I got various reactions.

Some could relate, some were a bit surprised about my honesty and how much of my soul I bare, some are a bit disappointed, some are shocked about the truth. 

I thought though that me and Conrad (yes friends...that's his name here in the US and in Singapore)  being the golden couple of all time has always been too good to be true.  We might have inspired a lot of people in the past since we are after all glaringly vocal about our mad love.  But all the blissfulness is a hype and we knew (well...at least I knew) it was bound to end sometime.  Even if it has, and there are times when I am tired and wanted to give up...I know that I won't because I know that giving up on what we have will make both of us even more miserable.  These are bursts of emotion that all of us feel as a result of frustration and disappointment...but that is never enough reason to give it up.  I realize too that most married couples experience this and I feel that this is normal.  I still think that I could never be better off with anybody else.  If I have to contemplate deeply, I will have to quote myself from a previous post I made last year...I probably love the guy more than I realize.  So there should be no cause for worry or surprise.  I don't think there is anything wrong with us...it's just reality of marriage and the fact that we all have our respective differences.

We had a bit of a struggle last winter, but believe it or not, after 9 years, we have since then worked out our differences and have (for the first time) finally compromised.  We all have to make our own individual sacrifices to keep the household atmosphere harmonious.  I guess it all starts there... and communication is also key.  I believe I tend to keep my frustrations to myself in the past because of fear of confrontation...which I was too tired to face.  Keeping it to myself will just keep things bottled up inside me and will definitely hurt my sanity.     

Lastly, we have to realize too that there is a God that brought us together and keeps us together.

 

*****

 

The cross feeding into multiply isn't working!  Although I know it's a moot point posting this here...I'm going to anyway...

http://coleen687.multiply.com/photos/album/54/Spring_2009_Bike_Trail

     There are several reasons to be excited over this weekend.  First of all, it's officially spring here in Vermont.  Our weather transition towards becoming warmer is a little delayed compared to other parts of the world.  Would you believe that it was snowing last Easter?  In the Philippines, Holy Week is typically scorching hot, but here...yes we still have flurries.  April showers only started this week, but this weekend...a high of 82 degrees baby!!  That said, we are so looking forward to go biking in a real bike path this time.

     We decided to make our work-out routines a little more family and fun-oriented and not self-indulgently running in place going nowhere on a treadmill.  So we bought a couple of bikes at the start of spring.  We didn't realize what we got into though.  I sought my sister's advice on this decision, and being the bike freak that she is, we got a lot more advice than what we hoped to get (luv 'ya sis!!).  It was all good advise though since we absolutely have no clue when we contemplated on getting $100 disposable bikes from Walmart.  Hubby and I got a his and hers Trek 820.  I wanted the aluminum framed version of this bike, the Trek 3700 which is $50 more, but seeing the other miscellaneous costs that comes with owning a bike (hitch for the car, a bike rack, helmets, child seat, extra tire, pump, racks...when will this ever end????), scrimping on little stuff may go a long way.  If we aren't hard core trail bikers, we don't need that much sophistication anyway.

    

While we are looking at bikes, we saw Coleen's face looking longingly at the kid's bikes and asking us if she could have one of those.  She didn't know that we already bought her bike but have yet to be assembled since this was meant to be a birthday gift (her birthday is on June).  We couldn't take seeing her that way so we had to prematurely show her her birthday present-- a 16in Disney princess bike with matching Disney princess helmet and Disney princess elbow and knee pads (yes,  we're tired of pink princesses too...we're just hoping she gets off this stage finally).  Of course she just had to hop on it right away...so we had the pleasure of watching her learn how to pedal alone even as she seeks a little push once she is stopped...or cringe even if she had to make that first fall.

     Will post pretty Vermont spring pictures in multiply once I get the chance.

We are all guilty of narcissism. Even if I refuse to admit it, I should.  The fact that I don't admit would just make me an even bigger narcissist thinking that I'm all good and selfless.  It's funny how we all display our own quirks without realizing how self absorbed we are.  I didn't notice it myself until I saw my daughter and figured she got it all from me. hahaha

She likes hanging out in the bathroom because she wanted to see her reflection while she tries on her dress-up clothes and shoes.  One time I even caught her singing while standing in a stool in front of the full-length mirror.  When asked what she's doing, she'll say, "I'm having a concert, Nanay"

If you ask how my daughter turned out to be such, I could only blame myself.

Yes that's the narcissistic me...I just realized that today when I left a voicemail for somebody at work...and I had to review the message not for the message to be actually reviewed...but just to hear my own voice! hahaha  In fact, I am so self absorbed, I sometimes call my own extension number just to hear how I sound in the answering machine (even if I heard it hundreds of times before)!  How sick is that??
 

*****

Today it was 50F out and is a considered a nice day in usually chilly Vermont.  I was wearing my black shoe with white piping which have gathered several comments like "awww those shoes are cute!! where did you get them??".     When I tried it on for the first time in 4 months, they are kindda small and my foot hurts a bit.  Then i realized I bought them in a size 6.5, when I'm actually a 7 just because the store ran out of size 7's.  But since I wanted a cute shoe, I had to have them half a size smaller even if it hurts like hell. The mantra, "No Pain No Gain" could go a little overboard at times. 

*****

So yeah...I'm all about looking good image-wise, physical or not.  Getting a little over the top sometimes, but yes, I put a lot of effort into that and it makes me a little more content and happy.  Although selflessness is a virtue that is worth striving for, a little "love thyself" wouldn't hurt.  It is pride and self-respect that makes us the best people we could be to be able to be the best person to whom our children could look up to.  Instilling self-worth in a child is also good for them and is one of the most valuable life-virtues you could impart. 

*****

Did I just made a justification on why it's alright to be "all about myself"? hahahaha

Nowadays I feel the need to get my mind off some things.  The past few months I have been channeling my energies on things I shouldn't really focus on.  Useless things... worldly and just not right in so many levels...So therefore I realize I should focus on something that I love to do -- getting my ideas and thoughts out there for the world to know (not like I make an effort to make it known, but what the hey...).

Like a bicycle, or a car that hasn't started all throughout winter...I am a little rusty (probably not just a little...).  So I don't really know where and how to begin without baring my soul for public scrutiny and condemnation.

It's a good thing livejournal gives little tips on how to start again if we have a writer's block.  That way I don't have to think of something lame to write about my boring life.

So question for today was..."who or what do I consider as my first love".

Ok, so I retract about the lame comment.  Whatever answer I will give to this question will still be lame.  I am one of those people who married their first love.  Start and end of story in one sentence...wow, what a life!  It's true though...I never had to experience the pain of a breakup,  or I never had to refer to an another person as an "old flame" because I never had any other flames.  No colorful stories to tell here.

In high school, the first life lesson I have learned is that when it comes to relationships...never settle.  At 15yo I met Alain...everybody's crush because he was a little mestizo (mixed race) as such he's a bit "exotic".  He does have the face, but for some reason when he made it known to me that he liked me, it seems like a big fuzz to my friends...like the fact that he is handsome is enough reason for me to date him.  If you're 15yo, friends' acceptance means the world to you, so I did try to go out with him (in secret because I can't make it known to my parents).  Twas then I realized that I am not as shallow as I thought I was.  I knew in my heart what I wanted,  and I want depth and character.  So his' was the first heart I have ever broken.  After him, I've been ruthless.

I had an idea of a perfect relationship in my head -- roses/chocolates...remembering all occasions, putting me in a pedestal, will go through the hoops for me no matter how far or how long it takes, gives me all the time and attention...the works!  I could be a drama queen, I know...and when I was younger I believed deep in my heart that such a guy exists.  A guy who will treat you perfectly like a princess...the perfect gentleman...so I waited...and waited...and never ever settled with just anybody.  I met Mr. Shy Boy...Mr. Bad Boy...guys who didn't know who they're dealing with.... there were those who started out as friends and attempted to cross the line...   I even came accross someone very close to my criteria, yet if I search my heart...I'm just not feeling it.  Being surrounded by men in an engineering school, it is weird that it was seemingly finding a needle in a haystack.

But then all things are possible...and I finally found Conrad...boy-next-door, funny, smart, and met every single expectation I have and more.  He came at the most appropriate time too...when I thought I was in the lowest point of my life (Didn't realize I could go even lower!!!).  It was also the point when I was tired of the dating scene and threw my hands in the air saying, "whatever!".  I know it was the first time I really fell in love was because we were in cloud 9 and we were blissfully crazy mad about each other ...that is for around the first 10 years we were together (dating and married life combined). 

After that ladies and gentlemen...reality sinks in.  We became a true married couple with whinings and complaints and fighting over petty things....so much for going through the hoops.  I guess though that the bottomline is that it doesn't matter if you've only gotten to love just one person your whole life...or if you've fell flat on your face more than once.  The fact that you've experienced love and have given your all makes it an experience worth remembering. 

Oh...and another lesson...that no matter how blissfully in love you are right now...we will all come to a point where you can't stand your own partner...but you have to suck it up because that's how life is too! hahaha

Good Luck!

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Roots - Familytree

I started going to the gym some 5 or 4 months ago.  I haven't been member of any kind of gym in the past and haven't been into any kind of fitness regimen whatsoever.  But then again, during the days when I had quicker metabolism (good times...good times...) I didn't really care because all I had to do was eat less than what I'm used to eating for a week or so and I start to lose pounds.

Then the baby came, and it just gets harder and harder that diet alone cannot solve my problem.  I resorted to all kinds of un-natural stuff -- crash diets, diet pills, etc. and end up still continuing to be the sweet-craving, binge-eater that I am.

I then found myself even more in the pit as I transferred to the US where high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden food are just an arms length away, and serving sizes are more than double what is even allowable to be consumed by any human being. For the first  year I felt really horrible as my old winter clothes got tighter and muffin tops are becoming more and more evident.  Suddenly I hate summer because I have to show more skin ergo more fat.  I became a size 6 which is probably a size bigger than my usual post pregnancy size.

Then as I said I started gym which I blindly did over a month.  I pretty much did only cardio and was inconsistent.  Then I consulted a trainer who eventually bulked me up with muscles...but not a lot of fat removal.  Nothing was happening still to me because I realized I wasn't watching what I eat.  See I have to cover all my bases for something to happen.  It didn't used to be like this...ugh the perils of getting old.  So there I was, counting calories and logging in to online calorie counters to make things happen.  Eventually I've become a changed person and saw real results.  I'm losing inches and I felt like I'm getting skinnier than my skinnier post pregnancy self (as evidenced by my now-lose-but-previously-hip-clinging slacks).

Today was my test to check my progress...as of today I'm officially a size2.  And I haven't felt healthier in my life.  I didn't realize that this is all it takes for me to get to look this way.  I'm still a work in progress but I know that I have made a lifestyle change and a different motivation to make things happen...permanently.

This weekend was a breath of fresh air after a week of drizzling in a supposedly beautiful summer in Vermont.  It was surprisingly sunny all day long. 

We started off Saturday with a brunch with friends at Skinny Pancake along the Waterfront in Downtown Burlington.  That place is packed even at 10am!  It got a lot more crowded as it approached lunchtime and seriously...if you arrive 10am and go on queue, you'll finally get your order taken after 20minutes...and wait for your order to arrive within another 30-45min.  By the time you eat your food it's just about lunchtime anyway.  But it was a good serving of healthy breakfast.  i had an egg feta crepe (aside from the egg and the feta...it was stuffed with spinatch and olives) with a side of fresh greens.  Hubby on the other hand had "The Lumberjack" which was pretty much ham and cheese crepe.  All in all it was all good and well worth the wait...granted that it was a nice day.

After brunch we hung out at the waterfront with the toddlers (Coleen and Matty) walking hand in hand.  They looked so cute together!  If only arranged marriage is not a dated concept, I would definitely pursue it.  Hahaha...being in a foreign land gives us a lot of nightmares...so arranged marriage would have been convenient.  Anyway, the kids had fun feeding the ducks with Pops cereal.  Though Coleen is just an inch or two taller than Matthew, her wide range of vocab obviously shows that she's 9 months older than him.  Plus of course, she's a girl, which puts her in a better spot as far as vocab goes (us women are more advanced in the talking field for reaons obvious to most people).  After finishing a whole pouch of cereal, we realized that we were not supposed to feed the ducks. :-) oops! our bad..

What we have been planning for for weeks now is to watch a movie in a drive-in theater.  I only saw the concept in TV shows where people watch movies from a parking lot.  It would be cool to be able to get into one and experience this part of the American culture.  Plus the fact that we could go watch a movie with the toddler without bugging the other moviegoers with all the whining and noise looks like a convenient concept for  us. 

Since it was a non-rainy day Saturday...we pushed through.  There were four movies showing and when we entered a piece of paper was given to us which shows the corresponding radio frequency we should turn our car radio to to hear the audio for every movie.  If we are parked between "Dark Knight" and the "Mummy", we can actually decide to watch either of the two movies by just a change in channel.  If that is not cool enough, we got to watch two movies in one night for the price of one (because we stayed to watch the second film showing, Hancock).  What's coolest is that we don't have to hire a babysitter because Coleen is asleep in her carseat, sleeping like a log.

     I wasn't a keen observer of my dental health.  It doesn't help too that I have a family of weak teeth.  I have always dreaded having to go to the dentist to be judged how many teeth do i need to have filled. 

     But since big bucks are being taken out of my paycheck for medical and dental insurance, I thought that I should take advantage of that...to sort of get the ROI from that.  So I did go to the dentist two weeks ago and was diagnosed to require a root canal on one of my tooth to save it. 

     I knew I needed that because the last dentist who has taken a look at my mouth (from two years ago...a handsome dentist from Dentista, SM Southmall Branch) already told me about that and actually did a root canal on one of my tooth as well.

     From what I knew, a root canal is an excruciating process from both the dentist and the patient. The last time I had it, I had two appointments and it took the whole afternoon to do it.  Anesthesia shots takes a while and even if my mouth feels thick and numb, I could still feel the pain whenever the doctor sticks needles into my nerves!  I also expected tired mouth muscles because of the mouth being dry and open for such a long time.  So I had an idea on how bad it's going to be and I was ready for my appointment this morning.

     I had the first session of my root canal today.  I had the morning appointment because I was bracing myself to have the whole morning session.  When I first sat down, there was a TV in front of me and a headset and the remote control was given so that I could watch TV on my own convenience and privacy.  It was like being in a business class flight.  Cozy...

     When I was given the anesthesia shots I wondered why I wasn't as numb and my gums didn't feel as thick as I thought it should be.  So I worried that during the process I might still feel the pain.  Ironically, once they had their hands on my mouth, it was smooth sailing, almost pain free and problem free!  It took a measely 1 hour to get the first session finished...and to think the dentist was even multi-tasking between me and two other patients!

     I started to feel the difference of being in the first world country vs being back home.  Don't get me wrong, my dentist from back home is not bad either.  It was a high tech facility from a Philippine standard.  I also thought my dentist from back home did a good job on my first root canal.  I guess it's just that there is more access to technology out here...and probably because dental services are more expensive so they have more money to invest on technology...I don't know...

     I guess I'm starting to lose my fear of going back to the dentist.

I love blogging and have been doing so for the past 5 years now.  But for some reason I like to keep my anonimity. 

Although I blog about my daughter and how I dote on her...which is normally fine to be publicly announced...but I also blog about my innermost feelings...some of which I refuse to let everyone I know understand about me.  I hate to be convicted and judged by people I hardly know. I do not aim for these people to understand why I feel a certain way...or why do I do certain things.  These people either knew me from work or from school but never really knew me on a personal level.  I may have established a reputation, good or bad in their eyes.  For now, I would like to keep it that way and not put myself in the line.  I'd rather be a character in a reader's head who doesn't know if I do exist or if I made my character up.  Anonimity erases any initial perception and lets you start from scratch...people are also more forgiving and understanding...thus no judgements...and a lot more freedom to speak my mind.

I write for my own personal pleasure...like nobody's reading.  And indeed nobody is...

Coleen turns 3 years old today.  Even with the accumulated anestheisa shots I have had for the last 10 years, giving birth to her is something that I would vividly remember -- every emotion, conversation and surreal moment is videotaped in my head.  As such her birthday is very much worth celebrating...even more than our wedding anniversary (which incidentally comes after 5 days).



All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895


Oh how true this is...

Now that Coleen is three years old, she has reached a phase where a little spanking and scolding may be needed.  Being away from the Philippines makes this more difficult because in the US cultures are very different.  My ideal for discipline would always go back to how I was disciplined.  It is a cliche, I know...but I never imagined that I would actually become like my mother.

When I was a kid, I didn't really understand why my friends can do whatever they want or have whatever they could have and I can't.  It seems that I was always different and my Mom seems to restrict any indulgence we could possible have -- play, toys, time with friends.  The only explanation given to me was that we're poor and that we cannot afford it...or that we are not like other people.  Now I realize why...

My Mom was a strong believer of delayed gratification, and that has been instilled in my senses more than anything else.  She wanted us to realize that resources are limited and we don't get things as easily as we we think (even if during that time we actually could)...and that we shouldn't desire what others have just because everybody else has it.

I wanted to teach my child the same thing and instill the same kind of discipline to my child.  I just don't know how to do it given how opinionated and head-strung my daughter is, unlike me who was a bit timid.  It is also not easy given that I have a different way of disciplining my child compared to my husband.  I suppose I am tougher...maybe because that was how I was brought up with.

For me parenting is still a struggle and is a constant learning process.  Every phase has a different joy, excitement, fear, sadness attached to it...but every phase is exciting experience in itself.

I love being a parent...and it started 3 years ago today.  So today is a celebration not only of Coleen's birthday, but also a celebration of this lifelong adventure called parenthood. 

Coleen’s mental development within less than a year has been a series of whirlwind events.  She’s actually getting to be more manageable and becoming more and more handy on several occasions.  Here are some of the things she’s been doing lately: 

 

      Anyway, here I am struggling to get out of the quicksand… my life went into fastforward since my blogger life…For the last 2 and a half years I was in a blur…of career and life choices (which were wonderful, by the way).  Hopefully I’ll be back and will rekindle my love with blogging once again.. 

 

     I’m not new into the blogging scene…in my past life, I once had an active blog --- http://coleen687.blog-city.com  of which one of the entries was on published e-book, “warmbodies: the kris aquino complex”.  As for the site, don’t bother looking at the site because it’s all gone now.  It was there that I realized, the more I write, the better I get at expressing myself.  Once I stop…even for a short time…I’ll be in a quicksand called writer’s block and will forever be in there.  

 

It’s a timeless tradition and we’ve known them like forever…but it’s only now that I have my own toddler that I’ve noticed how morbid and gross these nursery rhymes are.  What's up with that?

 

Rock-a-bye Baby

 

Rock-a-bye Baby on the tree top

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bow breaks the cradle will fall

Down will come baby cradle and all

 

(No wonder many children have insomia)

 

 

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown and jill came tumbling after

 

(Stupid Jill)

 

Peas porridge Hot, Peas porridge cold

Peas porridge in the pot nine days old

Some like it hot, some like it cold

Some like it in the pot nine days old

 

(wow, 9-day old porridge…yummy!)

 

Goosey Goosey Gander

 

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,

Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber

There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers,

I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

 

(be careful of this kid!)

 

 

I have to admit that we never wanted to stay in Singapore for a long time.  It's a good place to be in for now...definitely more lucrative than back in Manila, but probably not my ideal place to stay for good.  Singapore has been good to us as far as our own respective careers are concerned.  However in the long run we find that raising the family is difficult because of the limited mobility (too expensive to own a car).  Education and health care is not exactly free...and, pardon me but I'm not so fond of the accent (I think this is my number one concern. hahaha).  It's not something we wanted my daughter to adopt even if she blends well (physically) with the locals. 

The goal was really to stay here for around 3-4 years, but eventually transfer to a more western culture --North America or Australia, just as we have originally planned.  Singapore, for us, was just a means to an end.  That is because nowadays for us to be able to come up with show money for immigration, we need to rob a bank or something.   We are ready for the difficulty of migration.  Start up is not a walk in the park.  I have heard first hand of stories where some of the highest of education sometimes settle for a menial job just to get by.  We were ready for it, but like anybody, we would like to avoid that as much as possible. 

Little did we know that our 4-yr plan would come our way earlier than what we expected.  For some reason, someone in our US counterpart team left, management thought I was the most reasonable replacement.  In other words, we're going on another transfer -- not on the next 4 years but next month!  

It is a blessing we always dreamed of, but we didn’t think we’ll have it this easy.  It was practically served to us on a silver platter with almost no effort at all (except of course by merely slaving my ass off my current job, something I have been used to doing ever since I could remember).  I believe that it’s not necessarily by chance that we are in this scenario.  God has placed in front of us opportunities that we either choose to take or not.  Right now, we’re seeing this opportunity as the best way to go to give a better future for our family. 

Likewise with all the blessings we have, we in return wanted to become a blessing to other people.  That is the only way we know how to give back to God all the Glory He has given.

Trust is such an overused word.

Its meaning is supposed to be intangible and unfathomable...one that requires a great deal of understanding...like love, it is a very loaded word. Something that is used with utmost respect and sincerity...almost never to be used unless completely meant. But people use it like it's for free and expect that you give them this without proving themselves worthy. Some even use it to manipulate their way into things. By gosh they even used it to name after a condom for reasons I can't understand. So what value is it of really nowadays?

I did trust in the past. They younger you are, the less you think about it. It seems the older you get, you get more jaded and become very wary of who to give your trust to. The reality sinks in that man by nature is selfish...that there's really nobody you can trust except yourself. It does hurt when you realize this, and it is then that we value trust.

The fact that man is an interdependent social animal makes it impossible to not trust. Ultimately we have to put our trust on somebody. However it takes a great deal of wisdom to judge who is to be trusted or not. Sometimes you put your guard way up high to protect yourself, hurting people that we do love. But there are also times when we make wrong judgements and put our trust on the wrong people. When this happens, you konk yourself in the head and tell yourself that you have never learned.

But even though trust is broken, when asked for it, one needs to forgive as well. Sometimes, even if it is not asked, forgiveness is key...not for the other guy but for your own sanity's sake...to avoid bitterness and hatred (and worse, revenge) that leads to worse things...to establish your own personal peace of mind...to let go of all the baggages in your heart and move on with your life on a happy note. But much more than all that was mentioned, forgiveness is key to realizing utmost trust...trust that God will take care of you and has better plans for you...and for whatever baggage there was, God will take care of it as well.

I do realize that...and for the one one whom I lost trust on...I do forgive. God is just in His own ways...and I know my justice will be with me soon.